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KEEPING THE LOVE WITH "COMING
OF AGE" KIDS
My son, Luke, turned eight years old
this year. Being the youngest of my two sons, he was always used to
being the "bunso" or youngest, and relished the part, most
specially when he wants to get his way with me, his mom and his
"kuya" (older brother).
It was then a pleasant surprise when he
started reminding everybody that he wasn't five years old anymore,
that he was a grown up eight year old and that he should be allowed
to do some things by himself, particularly ....walk along a street
or in a parking lot area, without anyone beside him (he hates it
when we hold his hand); go inside a public restroom cubicle alone;
talk to older girls without his mother looking over his shoulder and
eavesdropping on the conversation.
We got the picture.
Our eldest, Noah, just turned into a
teenager himself. He adapted very well into the role of an older
brother since he was five, and his independence and maturity was no
surprise. But turning thirteen, was also quite significant for us as
it was for him. Sleep-overs and going to his favorite mall shops
without us is happening more often.
So does this mean our babies are all
growing up fast and there is nothing we can do to keep them close?
Or will the coming years be filled with an endless tug of war
between youthful independence and parental control?
Not at all, not yet anyway. Here are
some thoughts, for both Mom & Dad, as well as growing boys and
girls, and teenagers, on how to make the most of "coming of
age".
For grown up kids and teenagers:
1. All you need to do is ask. -
It's in the nature of parents to protect their young. But it is also
our dream to see you independent and capable of fending for yourself.
We just don't know exactly when you need us to back off and let you
fly. So you'll have to tell us, and despite our protestations, we
will give you the space to spread your wings. But we need to know
when, and where, and how. Help us out.
2. Don't be afraid to fall, or make
a fool of yourself. - As you turn seven, or eight, or
thirteen...you will be finding the need to try out new things,
without the help of Mom or Dad. Buying stuff, crossing the street,
and most definitely, when talking to the opposite sex .... do not be
scared as we will be always there to catch you or pick you up. And no
matter what other people might think, you will always be the best and
most wonderful child to your parents.
3. What is the worst that can
happen? - When you are trying out things for the first time -
joining a new group or club, first time at camp , or again, when
dealing with the opposite sex, - your imagination might always get
the better of you, telling you that things may turn out to be a
disaster. But, instead of fighting it, do think about it. Always
ask, "what is the worst that can happen?", and you will be
surprised that it is not as bad as you imagine it to be. And even if
it does happen, you will realize that life will go on anyway, so you
might as well go and do it.
4. You will always be Mommy and
Daddy's Baby.- Even when you feel all grown up and ready to take
on the world, I bet there are times that you wish you could snuggle
up to Mom and Dad when you're sleepy, or just give them a hug 'cause
you feel like it. I will let you in on a secret - Mom and Dad love
it. So go ahead and do it. Hugs, snuggles, and even kisses, will
always be a welcome.
5. Let us in, sometimes. - With
"coming of age", comes the need for privacy. We know we
have to keep out of your stuff, or not read the text messages on your
phone, and stay away from your computer. But it would help if you
keep Mom & Dad in the loop. It will help us understand who you
are as a person and how to treat you best ( specially if you need
something ).
For Mom & Dad:
My wife, Ching, and I, have found a
few tricks to keep our relationship with our boys as tight ( or even
tighter) than ever. It's all a matter of making the time and putting
in the effort in giving our kids the independence they want but
still be the best friends they can ever have.
1. Look for common interests. -
Noah and I share a passion for comic books and science fiction
stories. I always make it a point to ask him to tag along when I go
to comic book stores or when I get some new sci-fi books or DVDs.
Common interests are not limited to fathers and sons only. Fathers
can find common things to do with daughters the same way mothers do
with sons. If you haven't discovered it yet, just make a list of
things you like to do and run it through them. You'll be surprised.
2. Set up a regular date in your
favorite diner.- Although food, any kind in any place, is
definitely something you and your kids enjoy together, there will
always be that one special restaurant where your kids feel special.
Be it the food, the ambience, or even the free toys that come with
the meals. Make it a once a month habit that your kids will always
look forward to.
3. One-on-One time. - For those
with more than one child, spending time with one particular son or
daughter, away from the siblings and your husband or wife, is a way
to make the child feel special. It could just be a stroll in the
park, or a bite to eat at the mall. The time and attention you spend
with one particular child will enable both of you to focus on each
other and strengthen the bond between you two. As with the dining,
make it a regular thing that your son or daughter will surely look
forward to.
4. Make ordinary trips a special
time together - I bring my two boys regularly to the barber shop,
sometimes together, sometimes one at a time (depending on their hair
growth and their hairstyle preference). For my teenager, Noah, we
sometimes use this occasion to go for a walk, going to and back from
the barber shop, instead of using the car. The 30 minute leisure walk
enables us to talk about anything under the sun, grab some ice cream,
and get some exercise as well. My eight year old, Luke, always
looks forward to the trip to the barber shop ( he used to hate
haircuts) since he knows we always pass by his favorite novelty item
store going home.
5. Always have space in your bed.
- Stormy nights or a really scary horror movie might just convince
your grown up kid or teenager into sneaking up onto Mom & Dad's
bed. It is nice to let them know that they are always welcome to
snuggle up and have sweet dreams anytime they feel like it. Their is
nothing like a warm embrace while sleeping to let them know how much
you love them....forever.
No matter what age they are, and how
independent they grow up to be, the love between parent and child
will always remain as long as we say it and show it the best way we
can. As our family's favorite children's book says... " I'll
Love You Forever, I'll Like You For Always, As Long as I'm Living,
My Baby You'll Be".
