I am posting this on the Net for anyone who might have use for it – actors, hopefully, but maybe non-actors too. Do whatever with it. Use it for auditions, for class, or try leaving the messages on a complete stranger's answering machine. That should be interesting. My only request, if it is to be presented publicly, is that you please give credit to the following, either in print, or else verbally. These names must be acknowledged.
Tail received its premiere in New York City, featuring Jodi Lin and directed by Graeme Gillis, produced by Second Generation Theater, with Lloyd Suh as Artistic Director. Tail was developed at the Ma-Yi Writers Lab with the help of Ms. Cindy Cheung.
Thank you.
TAIL
By Ralph B. Peña
The action should progress over a day.
A room. A phone.
An Asian Woman in her early thirties.
SEGMENT 1.
Hi. Hello? It’s me again. I’ve left, two, maybe um, twelve messages. I just get your service. You’re probably out, maybe – and I’ll just throw this out there – maybe, having dinner at that Italian restaurant you like so much, Gino’s I believe is the name, I should know because I took you there, first. I can accept that. Or maybe you’re at the gym, because well, you did mention going three times a week, and today is Thursday, so that could conceivably cover T-Th-S where you would take a day off in between workouts which is the recommended routine by most, well, workout experts, but then it could also mean M-W-F, which would leave you open today, Thursday, and which then forces me to re-imagine why you’re not home. Not that it’s any of my business, really, because I would be the last person to foist any kind of responsibility on you, knowing your issues with, you know, i.n.t.i.m.a.c.y.
(pause)
As you know, I come from, um, Asia. Okay I can be more specific, but I didn’t want you to think that “specific” is interchangeable with “needy.” So okay, I will be – specific. I’m Equatorial. A racial cocktail, with a just a teeny touch of bitters. Mix well and stand back. Hello? Are you still there? Don’t be scared.
No. No. No. I’m being deliberately glib. Inside, I have real… you know, pain. Do you think that’s good? Do you like pained Asians? Or are svelte, smooth, and Third World the only requisites? I’m kidding. I can kid. My father and mother, on the other hand, have no sense of humor. Do I sound judgmental, because I’m not really. Except with Republicans. Oh God, I hope you’re not – because that would never, ever work. My parents voted for Reagan – which is partially, why I ran away from home. My father and I would be at each other’s throats. I would accuse him of being a fascist reactionary pig, and he -- well, he didn’t like that I shaved my head and pierced fifteen different parts of my body. He also said that my anger was privileged, that came it with trade-in options – Reagan today, Redwoods tomorrow. He called it my angst du jour. (pause) Okay, he would never say du jour. (pause) Or even angst. In fact, I don’t think he said much of anything at all.
Hello? Hello?!
SEGMENT 2
(Long pause. She stares into space – then starts.)
So you’re not at Gino’s, and you’re not at the gym, I know that too, because I called all the Equinox, Crunch, and New York Sports Clubs in Chelsea, Tribeca, Soho, well, in Manhattan, really. Just in case. Getting information from these places is impossible – I mean, what’s the big deal? So the ones that wouldn’t give out information, and there were, oh approximately forty branches, I just visited myself in the last seven hours – and that’s okay, really, because I got a good aerobic workout.
You know, I just remembered, I know so little about you – and well, I want to know more. Like, oh, little things: your parents’ names, or, how about where you live, although you did mention, one time, in passing, and you may not recall, but once you said: Westside – which is terrific, because, really, is there any other side? Driving around – I rented a car, I figured that was wise – driving around, I narrowed the possibilities to within a few blocks. I figured, south of 57th, north of Varick, West of 5th, and East of well, the Hudson. That was thrilling!
So I drive – I’ve driven – for not a long time – two, two and a half…um, months is all, every night, between 6 and 10 PM hoping to catch a sight of you – and once, I thought I spotted you, through binoculars, I’ve gotten quite adept at driving and looking through binoculars at the same time, and once – I thought I spotted you – coming out of that new trendy bar called Trendy, is it? I could’ve sworn – but…well.
Hello? I have to wonder, out loud I’m going to wonder – if you’re not sitting there listening to me go on and on… please feel free to pick up at any time – but you might be busy – so I’ll just keep talking. Is that okay?
Good.
I don’t drink – much. (pause) But when I do, which is – RARE -- I can play the ukulele with my feet.
(She holds)
SEGMENT 3
(Still gamely at it)
Hello? Are you listening to all of this? You should be back from Gino’s or the gym.
So, you know, I’m just a regular, uncomplicated, Asian-American-Spanish hybrid. I like James Joyce.
I can cook, and I drive stick. (pause)
I’m equally comfortable in rough country or swinging around in the urban jungle. (pause)
I ADORE, like big, big mammals – you know? (pause)
I would love to live in Katmandu or, say, Tampa. But I’m flexible – very flexible, in case you’re married to the Westside. (pause)
Call me. Please, for the love of Jesus.
I’m going to hang up now.
(She doesn’t hang up)
Hello?
Buh-bye….
Hello?
Well, I’ll just wait in case you’re on your way home… five, ten minutes…
Lalalalalala..lalalalaa.. In case your machine is voice activated.. don’t want it cutting off…
Lalalalalalalalalala….
(She hangs on, silent, eternally, unquestionably – HOPEFUL – as lights dim).
End.
